Thursday, June 11, 2015

My Weight Loss Journey: The Next Next Steps

The next next steps.  I've had a lot of steps over the last couple years.  Weight loss surgery. Losing 100+lbs.  Getting new boobs.  I'm now a week away (A WEEK!!) from another big step: lower body lift. When a large amount of weight is lost, all the excess skin heads south.  The boobs sag, the arms have bat wings, the thighs wrinkle and the abdominal skin sags and sits right over the pubis. Lovely.

In a week I'm going to have that skin removed.  I still struggle with a lot of body issues (like the aforementioned arms and thighs), but this is a biggie. Imagine your body from your head to your chest looking pretty much exactly how you'd like it to look.  Yeah, you're probably showing more age than you hoped you would, but for the most part you're pretty OK with how you look (and this is a major milestone for how you used to feel about yourself). But that belly. Some shirts and skirts are great at hiding that excess skin, but you still see it

In a week it will be gone.  It's kind of blowing my mind right now. I have NEVER seen my lower body look "skinny" (whatever that means). I still don't see the rest of my body look skinny.  Just today I had a conversation with my boss where she said she's never known me not "skinny". Skinny? I just can't wrap my head around that word.

Every woman looks different. And none of us should be judging a woman for how she looks on the outside. And I should be happy with how I look right now. But I'm not. I have the ability (meaning money) right now to make it happen. So why the fuck not? I've always wanted to look in the mirror and be happy with what I saw. I never was, but I am getting there.

I plan on buying a bikini top. And I plan on piercing my belly button. 40 is the new 30, right? Maybe even the new 20.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015


**edit: I sat on this post for a long time. I needed to get it out there. Even if it's unfinished.**

Skinny. Slender. Thin. Healthy (I hate that one). I've heard all these terms in the last several months. "Look how [insert the above words] you are!" Yes, there is a large part of me that is super excited to hear those words.  But there's also a part of me that wants to shout "FUCK YOU!! I'm the same person inside!"

At 274 pounds I was funny. I said things that made people gasp or laugh or look away uncomfortably.  At 160 I say the same damn stuff.  Yes, I have more self confidence now.  I can hold that eye contact with that cute guy in Starbucks that I never could have before.  But if that cute guy got to know any of the mes over the last couple years, he'd be getting to know the same person.

So I'm struggling with this label of skinny, and all the synonyms that go with it. Is that what I am now? Just some skinny bitch? Because there's a lot more here.  There always has been.

I've come back to this post because I'll be getting a lower body lift (super-duper intrusive tummy tuck) in a week.  I'm mostly excited about it, but a little scared.  OK, a lot scared. But the part that's bugging me the most is how many people will now "see" me. And why the fuck couldn't they see me before?

Thursday, January 22, 2015


So here we are, a month and change out from my breast lift and augmentation. That wasn't want I expected.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't regret for a second having the procedure done. I'm happy with the outcome. I'm still healing, so I'm sure I'll be even more happier as more time goes by.  What I didn't expect was the healing time. Notice how in that line above I said "I'm still healing...." I still have discomfort and weird feelings.

Keep in mind (as I try to remind myself) that my only other experience with surgery was laparoscopic when I had my weight loss surgery. That was 5 itty-bitty cuts and some gas pain.  This was 6 great big giant cuts and a lot of pain, for a lot longer time.

Those who aren't squeamish, or those who don't have a problem seeing the boobs of someone they know, can click on the link below. This is what my breasts looked like the day of surgery.  I called them Frankentits:

Here's some fun (G-rated) comparison pictures:


Notice they're not huge.  That was the point. I just wanted what I had refilled. I ended puberty with a B. I wasn't thrilled. After pregnancy and during nursing I was a D. I was thrilled.  Imagine now, those D boobs deflating to As.... I was definitely not thrilled.

The discomfort comes from the multiple suture lines as well as having a foreign body under the muscle that likes to move around some.  It's a feeling I'm still getting used to.  Reaching up for something high on the shelf feels totally different now. I can sort of feel the implant moving around under there.

This June I will be doing a lower body lift. That will involve a much larger portion of my body and, I assume, a much longer recovery time. Knowing what I know now, I'm ready for it. I'm ready to not be able to jump right up and get on with life.  I'm ready to give up running for a large period of time (which I wasn't ready for this go-round).  I'm ready because, goddamnit, I worked hard for this and deserve to have the body I've always wanted.