My Weight Loss Journey: The Next Next Steps

The next next steps.  I've had a lot of steps over the last couple years.  Weight loss surgery. Losing 100+lbs.  Getting new boobs.  I'm now a week away (A WEEK!!) from another big step: lower body lift. When a large amount of weight is lost, all the excess skin heads south.  The boobs sag, the arms have bat wings, the thighs wrinkle and the abdominal skin sags and sits right over the pubis. Lovely.

In a week I'm going to have that skin removed.  I still struggle with a lot of body issues (like the aforementioned arms and thighs), but this is a biggie. Imagine your body from your head to your chest looking pretty much exactly how you'd like it to look.  Yeah, you're probably showing more age than you hoped you would, but for the most part you're pretty OK with how you look (and this is a major milestone for how you used to feel about yourself). But that belly. Some shirts and skirts are great at hiding that excess skin, but you still see it every.single.day.

In a week it will be gone.  It's kind of blowing my mind right now. I have NEVER seen my lower body look "skinny" (whatever that means). I still don't see the rest of my body look skinny.  Just today I had a conversation with my boss where she said she's never known me not "skinny". Skinny? I just can't wrap my head around that word.

Every woman looks different. And none of us should be judging a woman for how she looks on the outside. And I should be happy with how I look right now. But I'm not. I have the ability (meaning money) right now to make it happen. So why the fuck not? I've always wanted to look in the mirror and be happy with what I saw. I never was, but I am getting there.

I plan on buying a bikini top. And I plan on piercing my belly button. 40 is the new 30, right? Maybe even the new 20.

Skinny

**edit: I sat on this post for a long time. I needed to get it out there. Even if it's unfinished.**

Skinny. Slender. Thin. Healthy (I hate that one). I've heard all these terms in the last several months. "Look how [insert the above words] you are!" Yes, there is a large part of me that is super excited to hear those words.  But there's also a part of me that wants to shout "FUCK YOU!! I'm the same person inside!"

At 274 pounds I was funny. I said things that made people gasp or laugh or look away uncomfortably.  At 160 I say the same damn stuff.  Yes, I have more self confidence now.  I can hold that eye contact with that cute guy in Starbucks that I never could have before.  But if that cute guy got to know any of the mes over the last couple years, he'd be getting to know the same person.

So I'm struggling with this label of skinny, and all the synonyms that go with it. Is that what I am now? Just some skinny bitch? Because there's a lot more here.  There always has been.

I've come back to this post because I'll be getting a lower body lift (super-duper intrusive tummy tuck) in a week.  I'm mostly excited about it, but a little scared.  OK, a lot scared. But the part that's bugging me the most is how many people will now "see" me. And why the fuck couldn't they see me before?

Bewbs

So here we are, a month and change out from my breast lift and augmentation. That wasn't want I expected.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't regret for a second having the procedure done. I'm happy with the outcome. I'm still healing, so I'm sure I'll be even more happier as more time goes by.  What I didn't expect was the healing time. Notice how in that line above I said "I'm still healing...." I still have discomfort and weird feelings.

Keep in mind (as I try to remind myself) that my only other experience with surgery was laparoscopic when I had my weight loss surgery. That was 5 itty-bitty cuts and some gas pain.  This was 6 great big giant cuts and a lot of pain, for a lot longer time.

Those who aren't squeamish, or those who don't have a problem seeing the boobs of someone they know, can click on the link below. This is what my breasts looked like the day of surgery.  I called them Frankentits:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/853mx8aumphoqtd/Day%20after.JPG?dl=0

Here's some fun (G-rated) comparison pictures:
Before:

After:

Notice they're not huge.  That was the point. I just wanted what I had refilled. I ended puberty with a B. I wasn't thrilled. After pregnancy and during nursing I was a D. I was thrilled.  Imagine now, those D boobs deflating to As.... I was definitely not thrilled.

The discomfort comes from the multiple suture lines as well as having a foreign body under the muscle that likes to move around some.  It's a feeling I'm still getting used to.  Reaching up for something high on the shelf feels totally different now. I can sort of feel the implant moving around under there.

This June I will be doing a lower body lift. That will involve a much larger portion of my body and, I assume, a much longer recovery time. Knowing what I know now, I'm ready for it. I'm ready to not be able to jump right up and get on with life.  I'm ready to give up running for a large period of time (which I wasn't ready for this go-round).  I'm ready because, goddamnit, I worked hard for this and deserve to have the body I've always wanted.

My Weight Loss Journey: The Next Steps

This last October marked my 2 year "surgiversary". It's been two years since I had the gastric sleeve weight loss procedure.  I've lost 115 lbs. I feel great! I look pretty great, if I do say so myself. At least with clothes on.  With clothes off I'm a little unhappy with where my journey has led me.  Don't get me wrong.  I'd do it all over again in a heart beat, but there are parts of my body that I am very unhappy with.

I have very saggy boobs, and that bothers me.  There. I said it. Body image is a bitch. I shouldn't care what I look like, it's what's inside me that matters, blah, blah, blah. But I *do* care what I look like from the outside.  And I've worked pretty damn hard to get to where I am now. So I want the body to reflect that.

I also have a very saggy belly (it's called a pannus, if you want to be all official about it). Sure, the right underwear hides it, sort of, but I see it. I have to lift up that saggy belly and apply coconut oil to fend off rashes and bacterial infections.  I want that bitch gone.

Then there's my arms. They're like bat wings. I raise my hand to say hello or goodbye and my arms flap away.

So I'm starting the next step(s) in my journey. Plastic surgery.  It's one of those issues that people tend to have very strong opinions on one way or another. My opinion is I worked hard to get to where I am now, why the hell shouldn't I be able to have the body I've always wanted?

December 19th I'm going under the knife.  Being a teacher affords me random breaks through out the year. Winter break is coming up. So, I'm getting the boobs done. I will have boobs that will stand up with out the help of padding and fancy Victoria Secret bras. I used to have these boobs. Now I will have them again!

In June or July I will have a lower body lift done to take care of the saggy belly. It might also combat some of the wrinkly thighs that I'm not so concerned about.

Want to hear something funny? I'm more scared that I'll come out with some Dolly Parton boobs than complications from the surgery itself.  I'm not scared to go under the knife. I have respect and feel secure in the doctor I've chosen.  But I'm scared everyone will notice my new look and judge and laugh at me for it.  Low self esteem is a bitch.

This is the post to get this out there. I've not told too many people for fear of the "you look fine" reaction. But this is my choice, and I could really use your support. I will follow this post up with before and after pictures.

So here we go! 8 days and counting until my next significant step!

I am a runner.

Six months ago I would have said, "if you see me running, you better run, too!"  And, if you had said "you should try running", I would have laughed and laughed at you.  Me? Running?? Hahahahaha!

But secretly, I wanted to be a runner.  I daydreamed about running along the waterfront like I see so many other people do.  I noticed all the cute running attire.  I saw posts my friends made about how far they ran or what race they completed.  But I was far too self conscious.  What if someone I know saw me?  I resigned myself knowing I was a walker and walking was just fine.  Walking was great exercise, too.

One day I tried it.  Just for fun.  When no one else was around.  While heading downhill.  It was kind of fun.  Exhilarating.  At that moment I decided I needed to stop caring who saw me running.  Who cared if they laughed all the way to work and told all their coworkers about that crazy lady they saw running.

So, I started the Couch to 5 K program.  I cannot speak highly enough of this program.  You can literally be someone who has never run before and this program will turn you into a runner. I went from knowing I could never run to running over 3 miles several times a week.  I feel good, too.  I have so much more energy that just walking didn't give me.

And now I'm in the club.  I'm one of "them".  I understand memes like this:

I nod my head at passing runners because we're both in the same club.  I love that stuff.

So any of you who ever thought you might like to run, but just *know* you can't: try it! You CAN! If I can, you can.  So get out there and get moving!

Cross Addiction

There's a phenomenon called "addiction transference" or "cross addiction".  In short, this is when one addiction is replaced by another. For example, a smoker may quit smoking by chewing gum. Now that person feels the need to chew gum all the time.

Those who struggle with weight are addicted to food in one way or another.  We didn't get to this point by not loving food.  After surgery we can't eat like we used to.  Even if we give in and eat that piece of gooey chocolate cake, we still can only have a couple bites.  That often doesn't satisfy what we're looking for in that cake.  It's not just the taste we're after.

When we can no longer turn to food for our emotional needs, we turn other things.  Some turn to exercise.  Others shopping. Others yet, sex.  Anything can become an addiction.  Some of these addictions are worse than others, but they can all have a negative effect on our lives.

I used to be a smoker.  I quit when I got pregnant with my daughter.  She'll be 10 in July, so last October I have been nicotine-free for 10 years.  I quit for her.  I tried quitting before, but was never successful because I liked it.  But with that life growing inside of me I was able to do it.  I never looked back.  I never once felt the need for a cigarette.

That's changing though.  Lately I've been feeling the urge.  It's not strong, but it's there.  I won't give in.  I know through past experience that if I have one cigarette I'll be back to 1/2 a pack a day in a heartbeat.

I'm using this knowledge to be more aware of how my brain is doing.  I know exactly what my body is doing.  I can see it in the mirror and on the scale every day.  But the brain is a different matter.  Sometimes I'm sad when I can't eat a lot of a yummy food.  Or I get frustrated when I want some chips or cookies and there's none in the house. I struggle finding a replacement behavior.  And I have a feeling that struggle will continue for as long as I'm on this journey.

If any of you have dealt with cross addiction and found ways of dealing with it, I'd love to hear about it.

Not for the faint of heart

Everything is on YouTube these days, so it's no surprise that the type of surgery I received (Laparoscopic Sleeve Gastrectomy) is viewable there.  I never went looking for one before surgery (because it didn't occur to me to do so) and after surgery I wasn't sure I really wanted to see it.  Today I ran across a post from a fellow Sleeve friend.  She posted this video and I watched.  It's really amazing.  And a little disgusting.  So, if you have a weak stomach, I don't suggest you watch this:

I find it quite amazing to watch.  To think they can do all this through a few small holes in an abdomen.  To think they did this (or at least something very similar) to MY stomach is a bit surreal.

And the scale keeps marching down!

This is amazing.  I'm losing weight almost daily.  I step on the scale 3-4 times a week and each time I'm down by a pound or more.  Today I hit the 50 pound lost mark.  This is in only 3 months, since starting the program in August.

If anyone out there is thinking of weight loss surgery I urge you to check it out.  It's not for everyone, but knowledge is power.  The more you know about your options the more likely you are to be successful in your weight loss.

Yes, my start to on this journey was somewhat rocky.  I never regretted having the surgery done, but I sure didn't enjoy a couple of the paths I went down.  I still mourn the loss of food. I still wish I could eat a huge juicy hamburger with cheese and bacon and fries.  But I am extremely glad I can't.

This is what's so great about this surgery.  If I slip up and give in to that juicy hamburger I can only eat about 4 bites.  It is physically impossible to eat much more than that.  On diets if you slip up you'll end up eating the whole burger and feeling guilty.  I don't have to feel guilty over 4 bites.

But please don't assume I'm eating 4 bites of hamburger every day.  That's not healthy and I'm not only training myself to eat less, but to eat healthy as well.  I need to establish healthy eating habits now, for if I don't I'll start to gain weight back after I hit my goal.

I know I'm not done with the bumps in my journey.  In fact, there will be much more after I hit my goal weight and need to maintain.  But I am so happy with the choice I made.  I'm glad I took this step in getting myself healthy. I did it for myself and my kids.

Grieving The Loss of Food

Not eating real food is depressing. My family is eating and I sit here with my stupid broth. Again. I just want one bite of the hamburgers they’re having tonight. One bite of the egg sandwich they had this morning.

I know I’ll be able to in a while. But knowing that doesn’t really help me right now. I find myself on the verge of tears sometimes.  I’m grieving the loss of food. At times it makes me want to find a time machine and turn back time and not have the surgery.  If I was actually faced with that choices, chances are I wouldn’t take it.  But right NOW I might.

I knew the journey would have it’s up hills and down hills. I just had no idea how they would affect me. 

I look back on my last post about being in pain.  I’m not anymore.  I still get weird twinges when I eat and drink, but nothing like before.  So, of course, I’ll someday look back on this post and realize I was soon able to eat real food again.  It’s just hard to get out of the here and now.

This Too Shall Pass

This is some serious pain.  When you hurt a leg or an arm it really hurts, but there’s a difference to pain inside your body.  That’s where all the important stuff is.  If you hurt your arm or leg bad enough it can be cut off and you can still go on to live a productive life.  Something goes that wrong inside you and there’s nothing you can do.  Am I saying there’s something that wrong with me? No. But it’s a lot scarier than limb pain.

I know this too shall pass.  I know it gets better. I know my friends in my support groups all say with in a few days they were ready to get right back to doing what they did before.  But the other part of my brain can’t wrap it’s head around that.  It can’t get past the pain.  It can’t see that tomorrow, the next day or even later today I’ll feel better.  It’s stuck here and I don’t like it.

I’m posting this because the logical part of my brain knows I’ll look back and read this later and laugh at myself for being so dramatic.  But I also don’t want to forget what this feels like so when someone else goes through this I can honestly say I know exactly how they’re feeling.

The inner bitch needs to be slapped

Tomorrow is the day. I’m to report to the hospital at 9:30. Probably means my actual surgery will be closer to noon.  I’m trying very hard not to think about it because when I do I freak out a bit. 

I have this inner voice that can’t possibly believe I can ever be thin.  She likes to remind me about all my failed attempts to lose weight in the past. She likes to tell me to not get my hopes up because I might lose weight, but before I know it I’ll gain back all the weight and then some, just like before.

That bitch needs to shut her fucking mouth. Because you know what? I WILL be successful this time! I am being given a tool that will make this attempt successful. Unlike other diets where I’ll eat good for a couple days, then fall off the wagon and say “screw it! I just can’t do this”, I will not be able to not eat well.  I will be physically incapable of gorging myself.  There is no way to NOT lose weight.  And once I get to my goal weight I will have been trained to eat well. There’s no going back. The fat me will not exist anymore.

So, where ever you are tomorrow around noon pacific, send a little thought out for me. And a little bitch slap to that inner voice.

My Weight Loss Journey

I’m about to embark on a weight loss journey.  And I’m starting to get scared.

I’ve been over weight my entire life.  I’ve been able to lose weight here and there, but I always gain it back – and then some.  So I’ve made the decision to get weight loss surgery (WLS).  This decision was not made in haste.  I’ve sat on the idea for about a year.  A couple months ago I decided to take the plunge and get the ball rolling.

Many insurance companies these days are covering WLS.  They’re figuring out it’s cheaper for them to pay for this surgery than to pay for the myriad of complications that can arise from being obese.  It’s called Preventive Medicine and I wish more organizations would figure it out.

There are three major surgeries that my insurance offers: Gastric Bypass (also called Roux-en-Y), Gastric Band (a common one is Lap Band) or Gastric Sleeve.  A couple months ago I went to an informative meeting thinking I like the Gastric Band idea the most.  At the time it seemed the least invasive.  There’s no cutting, not including the laparoscopic incisions,  and it’s adjustable.  Even removable.

After the meeting, however, I left knowing that, with out a doubt, I would want the Sleeve.  Here is a quick description of the different surgeries:

1.      Gastric Bypass – the surgeon uses staples to divide the stomach into a small upper section and a larger bottom section. The top section of the stomach (called the pouch) is where the food you eat will go. The pouch is about the size of a walnut. It holds only about 1 ounce of food.  Then the surgeon will connect a small part of the small intestine (the jejunum) to a small hole in the pouch. The food you eat will now travel from the pouch into this new opening into the small intestine. Because of this, your body will absorb fewer calories.  (http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/007199.htm)

2.      Gastric Band – A synthetic band is placed around the upper portion of the stomach. It works by creating a small "pouch" at the top of the stomach just below the esophagus, thus dramatically reducing the amount of food that can be eaten. There is then a port attached to muscles. Saline solution is pumped into the port to make the band constrict. (http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=23436)

3.      Gastric Sleeve - The stomach is restricted by stapling and dividing it vertically and removing more than 85% of it. The stomach that remains is a narrow tube or sleeve, which connects to the intestines. This restricts the amount of food the stomach can hold, as well as removing the portion of the stomach that generates Ghrelin, the hormone that causes hunger. (http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=23436)

I chose to go with what I felt was the least invasive.  You may think the Band sounds the least invasive, but I disagree.  The Bypass rearranges organs.  That’s the most invasive.  The Band leaves a foreign object in your body.  The Sleeve, although it has the largest internal cut, leaves everything else intact and does not leave a foreign object to cause possible future problems.

Choosing to have WLS is not as easy as one day waking up and scheduling it.  There are classes to take and new ways of eating to be taught.  There are lab tests and psych visits.  They want to make sure the person they’re giving the surgery to will survive it.  It may be preventive medicine, but it’s still money management.

You also have to lose weight before getting the surgery to help you lose weight. They want to make sure you’re willing to put in the effort needed to be successful.  Yes, once you have the surgery you won’t be able to eat as much, but you can stretch that “pouch” and, over time, make it as big as your stomach was before. 

So, I’m eating better. I think I’ve lost weight, but I’m too scared to step on the scale to look.  I’ll know at my pre op appointment if I made the grade.  If all goes as planned, I will be having surgery on October 17^th.  Every person I’ve talked to said it was the best decision they ever made.  I hope I’ll be able to say that soon, too, but for now I’m starting to freak out.

I plan on keeping track of my journey right here.  I hope you’ll follow along. I will need all the help and encouragement I can get.