Take that, cancer, you asshole.

Friday, March 21st, is Ice Cream for Breakfast Day. What's Ice Cream for Breakfast Day, you ask? Let me tell you.  A friend of mine, whom I've never met, died of Melanoma. It was crazy fast. But he wasn't going to let it stop him from enjoying life to the fullest.  He was diagnosed four years ago, on March 21st (can it be four years already?).  During his battle he decided he would create this Ice Cream for Breakfast Day to teach us all to enjoy life.  Life is precious, life is short.  Sometimes you should just eat ice cream for breakfast.  The first ICFBD was set for the one year anniversary of his diagnoses.  He died nine days before that.  Now, as his family has picked up their pieces and moved on, we still remember him and his spirit on our Third Ice Cream for Breakfast Day. Bruce, I never knew you. But I think of you often. And I think of the mark you've left on this world.  So, everyone out there, whether you knew Bruce or not, celebrate LIFE and how precious it is.  Have some ice cream for breakfast with us. (You might want to practice through out the year, as well.)

Breaking up with Facebook

I recently decided to take a Facebook break.  All of a sudden I felt overwhelmed by all the negative posts, the "my life sucks because of this" posts.  As you may know, I've been exercising a lot lately and it's finally making changes to my mental health.  I feel good about things.  Life isn't just "meh", it's good.  I'm able to see the negative in my life and am working on changing it - either by changing my views on it or changing what is causing the negativity.

I toyed with the idea of leaving Facebook for a couple days.  I didn't think I could do it.  When I finally made the decision it felt good.  It was like a burden was lifted off of me.  However, I'm finding that that unburdened feeling is seeping away and other feelings are coming up, like loneliness. And minor panic (I might be missing something important!) And this was all on the first day.  I've lost an entire group of friends all at once. I sometimes wonder if they're talking about me.  Then I fear they're not.

I've made a lot of friends over the years through online groups like The Babywearer.com, iVillage message boards and my local Mothers Club. Not to mention the several friends I've made in the more intimate private Facebook groups.  Most of these people I only connect with over Facebook. Although I haven't deactivated my account and I can still be reached through messages, I still feel completely disconnected from them now.

Back in 2006 a very good friend of mine died.  For months afterwards I would think "Oh, I need to tell Karen XYZ" and then realize I couldn't.  Leaving Facebook is similar.  While I certainly can log back in and tell my Facebook friends XYZ, it completely defeats the point of leaving in the first place. My point is there's a sense of sadness and loss when I chose not to log back in.

A couple times I've had to log back in to check the dates of an event or post in the Virtual Running group and I'm almost afraid to even look at the news feed.  I get a little anxiety over seeing one of those posts that pushed me over the edge.  But I'm even more anxious over seeing a post that will suck me back in.  Breaking up with Facebook is hard.  It would be so easy to go back, fall back into the routine.  But I know over time it will get easier.

(Part of me doesn't even want to share this blog because if I cave and come back to Facebook again, then I'm afraid you'll all think I'm a hypocrite.)

I am a runner.

Six months ago I would have said, "if you see me running, you better run, too!"  And, if you had said "you should try running", I would have laughed and laughed at you.  Me? Running?? Hahahahaha!

But secretly, I wanted to be a runner.  I daydreamed about running along the waterfront like I see so many other people do.  I noticed all the cute running attire.  I saw posts my friends made about how far they ran or what race they completed.  But I was far too self conscious.  What if someone I know saw me?  I resigned myself knowing I was a walker and walking was just fine.  Walking was great exercise, too.

One day I tried it.  Just for fun.  When no one else was around.  While heading downhill.  It was kind of fun.  Exhilarating.  At that moment I decided I needed to stop caring who saw me running.  Who cared if they laughed all the way to work and told all their coworkers about that crazy lady they saw running.

So, I started the Couch to 5 K program.  I cannot speak highly enough of this program.  You can literally be someone who has never run before and this program will turn you into a runner. I went from knowing I could never run to running over 3 miles several times a week.  I feel good, too.  I have so much more energy that just walking didn't give me.

And now I'm in the club.  I'm one of "them".  I understand memes like this:

I nod my head at passing runners because we're both in the same club.  I love that stuff.

So any of you who ever thought you might like to run, but just *know* you can't: try it! You CAN! If I can, you can.  So get out there and get moving!

Cross Addiction

There's a phenomenon called "addiction transference" or "cross addiction".  In short, this is when one addiction is replaced by another. For example, a smoker may quit smoking by chewing gum. Now that person feels the need to chew gum all the time.

Those who struggle with weight are addicted to food in one way or another.  We didn't get to this point by not loving food.  After surgery we can't eat like we used to.  Even if we give in and eat that piece of gooey chocolate cake, we still can only have a couple bites.  That often doesn't satisfy what we're looking for in that cake.  It's not just the taste we're after.

When we can no longer turn to food for our emotional needs, we turn other things.  Some turn to exercise.  Others shopping. Others yet, sex.  Anything can become an addiction.  Some of these addictions are worse than others, but they can all have a negative effect on our lives.

I used to be a smoker.  I quit when I got pregnant with my daughter.  She'll be 10 in July, so last October I have been nicotine-free for 10 years.  I quit for her.  I tried quitting before, but was never successful because I liked it.  But with that life growing inside of me I was able to do it.  I never looked back.  I never once felt the need for a cigarette.

That's changing though.  Lately I've been feeling the urge.  It's not strong, but it's there.  I won't give in.  I know through past experience that if I have one cigarette I'll be back to 1/2 a pack a day in a heartbeat.

I'm using this knowledge to be more aware of how my brain is doing.  I know exactly what my body is doing.  I can see it in the mirror and on the scale every day.  But the brain is a different matter.  Sometimes I'm sad when I can't eat a lot of a yummy food.  Or I get frustrated when I want some chips or cookies and there's none in the house. I struggle finding a replacement behavior.  And I have a feeling that struggle will continue for as long as I'm on this journey.

If any of you have dealt with cross addiction and found ways of dealing with it, I'd love to hear about it.

Not for the faint of heart

Everything is on YouTube these days, so it's no surprise that the type of surgery I received (Laparoscopic Sleeve Gastrectomy) is viewable there.  I never went looking for one before surgery (because it didn't occur to me to do so) and after surgery I wasn't sure I really wanted to see it.  Today I ran across a post from a fellow Sleeve friend.  She posted this video and I watched.  It's really amazing.  And a little disgusting.  So, if you have a weak stomach, I don't suggest you watch this:

I find it quite amazing to watch.  To think they can do all this through a few small holes in an abdomen.  To think they did this (or at least something very similar) to MY stomach is a bit surreal.

When horrible things happen

In September a man abducted a child from my kids' school.  She got away and wasn't hurt.  He was eventually caught.  But when something that will "never happen to you" happens to you, your perspective changes.  Now every unfamiliar face is a potential suspect.

Today in Connecticut a man killed elementary aged children and adults.  Before the abduction at my children's school these events would, of course, upset me, but there was also a sense of being removed from the situation.  However, after the abduction these events hit closer to home.

I am having a hard time compartmentalizing these events.  I see the terrified looks on the children's faces and can picture my own children's faces with the same look.  I'm trying to detach myself, but can't.  Then I wonder if I really should.  I should be upset by this. I should be sitting here at my desk crying.  Something like this should not be shrugged off. We shouldn't just thank our powers that be that it wasn't our children.  But I don't know what else to do.

It's overwhelming, these emotions.  I don't want to feel them, but I do.

And the scale keeps marching down!

This is amazing.  I'm losing weight almost daily.  I step on the scale 3-4 times a week and each time I'm down by a pound or more.  Today I hit the 50 pound lost mark.  This is in only 3 months, since starting the program in August.

If anyone out there is thinking of weight loss surgery I urge you to check it out.  It's not for everyone, but knowledge is power.  The more you know about your options the more likely you are to be successful in your weight loss.

Yes, my start to on this journey was somewhat rocky.  I never regretted having the surgery done, but I sure didn't enjoy a couple of the paths I went down.  I still mourn the loss of food. I still wish I could eat a huge juicy hamburger with cheese and bacon and fries.  But I am extremely glad I can't.

This is what's so great about this surgery.  If I slip up and give in to that juicy hamburger I can only eat about 4 bites.  It is physically impossible to eat much more than that.  On diets if you slip up you'll end up eating the whole burger and feeling guilty.  I don't have to feel guilty over 4 bites.

But please don't assume I'm eating 4 bites of hamburger every day.  That's not healthy and I'm not only training myself to eat less, but to eat healthy as well.  I need to establish healthy eating habits now, for if I don't I'll start to gain weight back after I hit my goal.

I know I'm not done with the bumps in my journey.  In fact, there will be much more after I hit my goal weight and need to maintain.  But I am so happy with the choice I made.  I'm glad I took this step in getting myself healthy. I did it for myself and my kids.